I was looking through some old pictures the other day in an attempt to update the opening graphic on this blog (I really hate the fruit picture – I feel like an ad for Stop and Shop. Anyway, I hope to have the new graphic soon so keep posted!)
Looking back at all the old photos of myself sent me into a tailspin of depression. I haven’t been able to shake it yet, so I hoped by writing about it today it would help me make peace with my past.
As some of you might know from reading my past posts, I’ve been fat 90 percent of my life. I started my first diet at age 7, but nothing ever really helped. In high school, I peaked at over 200 lbs at five-four. I never went on a date. Got made fun of by boys in my class. And when all the other girls were wearing cute Abercrombie & Fitch clothes, I was stuck shopping in the plus-sized department at the old lady store.
When I was a freshman in college, I got my first boyfriend. I realize now, years later, I was an easy target for him – fat and insecure and oh too happy to finally get attention from a boy. As it turned out, he was a con-artist and an abusive jerk who cheated on me, stole money from me, and overall treated me like crap – and I let him because I didn’t think I could get anyone else.
Eventually, broken and tired, I bought a workout video and started working out every morning. I also started doing some very unhealthy things too, like smoking and starving myself. In the end I lost over 90 lbs. (though I wish I had been nicer to my body in the process – I’m still struggling with a pack-a-day cigarette addiction as a result).Losing weight gave me the confidence I needed to leave the abusive relationship – to this day, I consider it the best thing I ever did.
After graduation, I landed a very stressful job as a newspaper reporter. But as my career skyrocketed, my body plummeted. I ate to forget work, to relax, to make myself happy. I stopped working out completely. Within a year, I was back to 175 lbs. That was several years ago now, and I still haven’t been able to shed the weight.
I recently went back to graduate school to earn my Master’s Degree – which I’m thrilled about. I have a fantastic boyfriend of two years. Wonderful family. A dog who I love more than anything (even though he is sometimes naughty). My life seems to be going well – except for my body.
When I look back at all my “thin” pictures, I can’t help but feel angry that I did this to myself again. My only comfort is knowing that I did it once, and I can do it again. Tomorrow is weigh-in day! Wish me luck!
Technorati Tags : Diet, Daily Diet
2 responses so far ↓
1 Michelle
// Jan 11, 2008 at 3:21 am
Your story brought tears to my eyes because our stories are so much the same. I lost all my weight about 3 years ago now and was down to 128. I did it in a way that brought so much harm to my body and spirit. I took phen-phen and was a slave to the gym. One day while walking around wal-mart I felt as if I was having a heart attack, I stopped taking the drug and slowly the weight started coming back on so I lost the drive to even step into the gym. I have struggled ever since. But here I am determined to live the healthy life I know I want and deserve. Nice to meet you even if it is in the blog world!
2 b, the betterbodyblogger
// Jan 11, 2008 at 4:39 pm
Hi Michelle! I hit up your blog earlier today - hope you saw my comment! Anyway, I was thinking a lot about your diet pill story today - as I mentioned, I too took diet pills, Redux and phen-phen (when they were legal in the US) and those horrible over-the-counter herbal things.
As I mentioned to you - it is very important that people who have taken diet pills tell their dentist - yes, it sounds weird. But I know from experience - my dentist refused to even look at me until I had a heart scan. I’ve pasted an article below for more information.
Again, it was so great to hear from you! I look forward to reading more of your blog!
Source: http://www.dentalgentlecare.com
FEN-PHEN ALERT!
To all our patients who have taken Fen-Phen or Redux:
The U.S. food and Drug Administration states that as many as 32 percent of users of Fen-Phen or Redux may have developed cardiac valve damage, placing them at risk for bactermia-induced infective endocarditis
Endocarditis is an inflammation that occurs when bacteria carried in the blood lodges on the damaged valves or in the lining of the heart.
Some dental procedures can allow the entrance of bacteria in the bloodstream. Simple dental procedures like cleaning, placing orthodontic bands and scaling as well as more invasive procedures like root canals, and extractions may require antibiotic treatment before the dental procedure.
The Department of Health and Human Services issued the following recommendations:
* All people exposed to fenfluramine or dexfenfluramine for any period of time, alone or in combination with agents, should undergo a medical history and cardiovascular examination by their doctor to determine the presence or absence of cardiopulmonary signs an symptoms.
* An echocardiographic evaluation should be performed on such exposed people who exhibit cardiopulmonary signs (including a new murmur) or symptoms suggestive of valvular disease (e.g. dyspnea)
* Doctors should strongly consider performing echocardiography on all people-regardless of whether they have cardiopulmonary signs or symptoms-who have been exposed to fenfluramine or dexfenfluramine for any period of time, either alone or in combination with other agents, before the patient undergoes any invasive procedure for which antimicrobial endocarditits prophylaxis is recommended by the 1997 American Heart Association guidelines. Any echocardiographic findings that meet the 1997 guidelines for prophylaxis-regardless of whether they are attributable to possible fenfluramine or dexfenfluramine use-should be recognized as indications for antibiotic prophylaxis. For emergency procedures for which cardiac evaluation cannot be performed, empiric antibiotic prophylaxis should be administered according to the 1997 AHA guidelines.
This warning affects dental care. Any dental procedure which could cause significant bleeding may require you to take pre-treatment antibiotics depending on the cardiac evaluation results. Current guidelines from the American Heart Association include preventive antibiotic treatment without legitimate medical cause. The new guidelines are to aid patients in diminishing the adverse effects of preventive antibiotic treatment which include development of resistance to antibiotics.
Before your next dental appointment, please advise us if you have taken fen-phen or Redux.
September 14, 2007
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